If you ask us, having a stay-at-home partner is pretty ideal. You get to keep doing the job you love, while someone you trust takes care of the kids and tends to the home front. That is, so long as that partner is actually, you know, taking care of the kids and tending to the home front.
That isn’t exactly the case for a working mom who took to Reddit’s Am I The Asshole forum to settle a dispute she had with her partner, who stays home with the couple’s 8-week-old baby girl. The mom confessed that she snapped at her daughter’s dad in a moment of anger, but Reddit users rallied to her defense.
That’s because it’s apparent this mom is doing WAY more than her fair share.
“In the morning, I wake up, get myself ready, change the baby, dress the baby, feed the baby. I will try and get the baby to go back to sleep before starting work but this doesn’t always happen. When I work from home, I will take the baby during the day when I’m able to keep an eye on her and work simultaneously. After work, I look after the baby for 1-2 hours so my partner can have some time to themselves, then we do bath time together and I give the baby her final bottle and put her to bed after which I also sleep.”
But that’s not all. “I do all the house admin,” she continues. “I buy all the groceries and do a majority of the cooking. Laundry and dishes are split evenly, my partner handles all the other cleaning.”
So, let’s get this straight: She handles the morning routine. She cooks. She handles the evening routine. And when she’s working from home, she helps take care of the baby. Aside from cleaning, what precisely is her partner doing during the day?
No wonder she had enough. To make it worse, her partner loaned $300 to his brother and also had the nerve to ask her, “What the hell took you so long?” after she brought a bottle to him, to save him a trip out of bed.
“So I eventually snapped and said, ‘I get it, you’re fucking tired. But this is what you signed up for when you agreed to be a stay at home parent. Am I not working my ass off to provide for this family and to help make up for the money which YOU wanted to give your brother? So tone down your fucking attitude and show me some more respect and gratitude.’”
OP, can you hear the entire readership of Working Mother giving you a standing ovation? We’ve got your back, ma’am. And we aren’t the only ones. Reddit users were quick to reassure her she’s not the asshole, and she needs to have a long talk with her baby’s dad, because he’s apparently a bit unclear about what being a “partner” means when you’re parenting together.
“I’m [the] SAHP in my relationship, and I do nearly all of the chores and all of the caregiving to our kid,” one user says. “OP is doing a ton of the housework, the caregiving and they then earn all of the income on top. They are going to burn out if they keep going it this way, the partner needs to step up.”
“It sounds like you’re taking care of two children,” says another.
Many users were quick (and correct) to point out that both OP and her partner are new parents, and those first few months with a baby are exhausting. Both are probably missing out on sleep, and it could simply be a communication issue. It’s possible the OP’s partner has no idea how burnt out she is, and how much she needs him to step up.
“This is one of those situations where instead of being right you need to be sympathetic and communicate,” one user advised. “Both of you came from a place of sleep deprivation and both were rude to each other. Work on your communication and not ask the internet if you were right or wrong. Our [opinions] aren’t going to help your marriage, but communication and marriage counseling if y’all can’t communicate [well].”
We agree. OP, it’s time for a frank discussion with your partner. Find a way to shift a few chores from your plate to his (or someone else’s, at the very least), and hang in there.